Listen to your friends. They know stuff and junk.

You were dead on about those god awful wafers. They should have put a box of those in front of the pretty boys competing in Fear Factor.

I like to think that a belly full of Chinese buffet contributed to my disgust but I have to admit that even if starving those things would have tasted like poison ass. Poison fart-filled rancid ass with leaking sores all over.

The smell alone was horrible and spread through the air just as quickly and aggressively as you described. It was like a scene from some biological horror movie. I took the first (and only) bite out on the balcony because I felt the threat of vomit was not only real but inevitable.

When I bit into the wafer there was sort of cold rush of air that came out and forced itself down my throat carrying with it a concentrated dose of the rancid funk that had already made me queasy from a distance. This full on and direct assault was too much. In an instant I choked back the light vomit that rose into my mouth and completed the bite separating a section of the wafer and chewed once, twice, felt vomit rising again and spit it out before the action of puking forced it out. I threw the rest of the wafer across the parking lot and immediately felt intense shame.

Later that night I kept being woken by dreams of the moment the first bite sent the evil demon funk down my throat. It was all I saw and smelled and tasted when I closed my eyes. It must have been some sort of PTSD related trauma.

I wish they didn't smell so bad so they could be kept around for parties or given as gifts but the odor is really too much of a tell like the nuclear bright blues and yellows of poison dart frogs.

If there are no such things as trolls how do you explain all the dead unicorns?

Should I be shocked that the best metal I've heard in years has come in parody form?

I suppose not.

Have a listen and learn how to build a better metal snake or what it feels like to pilot a Hatredcopter.

All-encompassing stink

I'm just back from the Chinese grocery with a wonderful new discovery. Durian flavored wafers.

Before I continue, if you don't know about Durian, read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Durian#Flavour_and_odour

I had heard the tales of durian, but never expected to encounter it around here. I was very excited. I opened the package at my desk and a co-worker asked if I thought it smelled like there was a gas leak. I pulled one of the wafers out and crumbs went everywhere. I took a bite and instantly regretted it. The first thought I had was moldy pretzels. But not just a little moldy, really decaying green moist fuzzy pretzels. There was something else in there, too. It took me a minute to place it. Pus was the other flavor. When I first pierced my ears, one of them was a little fussy in the healing and there was some yellowish discharge. These wafers tasted just like that.

I put the package into my desk drawer but couldn't leave it there because the smell crept out. I put it into a plastic bag to bring home. Still, the crumbs all around my desk keep wafting up to me.