I've been through periods when I could enjoy things that are so bad they're good. I have a borderline morbid appreciation for the absurd. I'm a sucker for spectacle. Really, I should have been able to find something of worth in the Transformers movie. Instead, I feel like a worse person for having seen it.
My take is that they were trying to avoid what happened with Superman Returns. That was one of the most expensive movie ever made and it virtually failed in theaters. It was kind of weird and people didn't get it. To avoid that fate, they made this the most bland, inoffensive, banal abomination they could.
The movie seemed to be written by a bunch of different people who weren't in communication with one another. None of them seemed to agree on what kind of movie it was supposed to be.
The special effects could have been the saving grace - they clearly spent a lot of time, money and effort on them - instead, they made it worse. The design was so bad, you could never tell what was happening on the screen. It was a mess of vaguely metallic shapes spinning around with slack-jawed actors trying to look scared in front of a green screen.
The worst thing I can imagine, though, is that negative reviews won't effectively communicate the worthlessness and might actually compel people, out of curiosity, to spend money on this piece of shit.
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5 comments:
Was it really that bad? As bad as when Darth Vader stood up and shouted "NOOOOOO!"?
I'm afraid I have to see it anyway. If only for spite.
Every piece of dialog in this movie is as bad as when Vader shouted "NOOOO!"
Ben's reviews:
DON'T SEE TRANSFORMERS
It is beyond bad. Not funny bad, not bad bad, but horrible. Terrible. Dave and Derek and I are considering never going to a theater again. Please, if there is any way you can get the word out to more people, please, just do me and humanity this giant favor. Even without proof, just please let everyone know that this movie is dangerously bad. We feel physically ill. We agreed to make whatever effort we can to stop as many people as possible from seeing it. It's our responsibility. What happened to us should never happen to anyone else. The only good we can salvage from this is to stop it from ever happening again. Please, don't get curious, don't ever see it, even for free. Do me this one favor and stop people from seeing this movie, even if that means physically restraining them. I feel so terrible, beyond sadness or anger, just.... this movie robs you of your will to live. Please, just stop this crime before it can spread. Please. Spread the word. -Ben
Run Screaming
by hitokirihitoride (movies profile) Jul 3, 2007
..>..>
It was awful... it was so terrible. My friends and I started a crusade to stop people from seeing this in hopes that it will never happen again. It was a crime against humanity. It was... Transformers.
I don't know what's going on. Everyone should hate this. My friends and I grew up in the '80s as well, and while I was terribly afraid of what this could be, I let them take me along. The idea is just too silly for live action, but I allowed for a glimmer of hope that would be my downfall.
The dialogue is awful. It's nothing but puns and predictable cliches that a child could write, but wouldn't because no one would ever say the hideously trite garbage in every line spoken in this movie. Every line was bad, but every third or fourth line would make my friends and I groan. It wasn't even campy. This is beyond 'funny' bad and just terrible, upsetting bad.
The humor was worse than a Wayans' brothers' movie, and I say that having firmly believed that the 'comedy' of the Wayans was, until now, the worst in human history. It was so much worse than just not funny. It stole all the dignity from the movie, from the Transformers, and somehow, it even stole the dignity from the audience. Nothing but puns and stereotypes. Having little 'comedy relief' characters in a movie is like introducing a virus into your story. It weakens it and robs it of all integrity until finally, mercifully, it kills it.
Then the one thing I thought I could count on, the special effects. They were awful. They tried to make the robots look so advanced with thousands of moving parts, but all it ends up looking like is a mountain of garbage and random shards of metal. Not just on one robot, but on all robots, so when they start fighting, you have no idea what's going on because it just looks like a tornado hit a scrap yard. It's just a confusing mass of metal pieces writhing around blindly.
Even the plot had massive holes through it, especially in the final scene. Gigantic gaps in logic that would only seem like spoilers if I mentioned them. Still, it just takes away any kind of merciful closure you might have been hoping for and leaves you wondering if there were even any writers involved in this atrocity. My friend suggested that perhaps there were about ten writers behind this movie that had no communication with each other, and they just merged all ten stories together without any coherent connections.
The fight scenes tie into my special effects complaints, but when the robots finally do any fighting, it's a combination of childish slapstick and confusing balls of scrap metal rolling around. With terrible puns and one-liners occasionally thrown in by whatever unbearably obnoxious 'sidekick' they stuck into the scene just to add insult to injury.
Honestly, there is absolutely no redeeming quality to this movie. I knew it was a bad sign when they had to use our own nostalgia against us, a warning sign that they have nothing of any value to work with so they rip off our past. I feel cheated, and we all felt physically ill and irritably upset for hours afterward. It was like our childhood died right in front of us, and they were mocking us with it. This is not a movie. It's some kind of weapon cruelly unleashed against us by hateful, greedy hacks. It's a crime and there needs to be some kind of accountability. So don't pay them for this.
I described it in one online forum as: They were aiming for lowest-common-denominator crap and undershot by a measure. It's not stupid entertaining, just stupid.
The only good thing about Transformers: Nothing else seems as bad afterward. I watched Ghost Rider the other day. I didn't mind it. I came away thinking it's not as bad as Transformers. I can now truly enjoy anything I experience after having having the bar set so low.
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